Anything But Sure
by Dragon Pants
Summary: TroyRyan Oneshot Songfic Sew this up with threads of reasons and regret, so I cannot forget. I cannot forget...


To Jon.

Standard Disclaimers apply

There are a lot of flashbacks in this fic. I didn't label them. But you can tell them pretty well I think, basically if Troy isn't in his room thinking it's a flash back.

Sorry if there are some mistakes, I really couldn't bring myself to reread it, or get it betaed...

The sing is Yellow Cards "One year, six months." Lyrics will be in _italics_.

Anything But Sure

HSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSM

_Sew this up with threads of reason and regret_

The time had finally arrived, Troy Bolton, was moving out. His things were being packed carefully and labeled. What wouldn't fit in his dorm room would go into the attic. His room would be converted into a den, with a pull ouch couch when he would visit.

It all seemed... So final.

Which is why he was hesitant to put all eighteen years of his existence into boxes and label them generically.

_So I will not forget, I will not forget_

Going through his closet he found a lot of things, for instance, the leopard print thong Chad found amusing as a sixteenth birthday present. Blushing hard, he quickly threw it in the 'donation' pile, hopefully someone would would find it useful. It still had the tags on it.

He came across his bunny rabbit, his first stuffed animal, complete with pink ribbon. He had carried it everywhere until his father took him aside and told him gently, but firmly, "Big boy's don't carry around little animal friends, and you're a big boy right?" With wide blue eyes, he had nodded sincerely.

Afterwards it lived on his bed, until one day it ended up in his closet, where it had remained. Troy went to throw it in the 'trash' pile, then hesitated. Instead he aimed for the 'store' pile at the foot of his bed. Maybe he'd have a boy for it someday.

Moving sever pairs of old pants into the 'donate' pile he can about a small black box labeled "Baseball Cards." Knowing what it was, he retreated from his spot in front of the closet, sitting on his bed, he began to open it.

_How this felt one year six months ago  
I know, I cannot forget. I cannot Forget_

Truth was, he had sold his baseball cards long ago, and now the box held things deemed, "contraband" in his house. Either by his parents or himself. Although, its contents hadn't been changed for over a year now. They were all of his former relationship with Ryan Evans.

Hands shaking slightly he lifted the cover fully and placed it aside.

Inside the box didn't look like anything special, a few pictures, random items, notes, it looked as if it could belong to almost any teenage girl.

But to him, it was so much more.

Shuffling through the few pictures, he found the one that he remembered the most. It was a curtain call, with himself, Ryan, Gabriella and Sharpay. The two boys were in the middle fingers intertwined and their respective counterparts on each side. Closing his eyes, he remembered the day.

_I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do_

It was the last production of the year, and Kelsi had written a play specifically for the four of them. It had been a comedic play, involving a feuding drama queen (Sharpay) and debate Captain (Gabriella), and their two best friends (Troy and Ryan) who were attempting to have them get along. Many said it was Kelsi's best work, being both humorous, and touching, and extremely heart felt.

Surprisingly, before the show, it was Troy, not Gabriella whose stomach was twisted in knots.

Running around before the opening curtain, he couldn't find his shirt. Slightly panicking, he began to run faster, in desperation. A hand stopped his panicked rushing, he whipped around to see Ryan standing there suppressing a smile, "Troy, whats wrong?

Troy gasped, out of breath from his panicking, "Cant... find... shirt!"

The blond laughed and grabbed the other boy into a tight hug, he whispered in his ear, "Keep it off, I like you better this way." Kissing Troy on the neck, he nibbled a bit on Troy's 'spot.'

Sighing deeply Troy relaxed and leaned into Ryan.

Rubbing his back for another minute, Ryan gently pushed him away and took his hand, "Now, lets go find your shirt."

The performance had been amazing, Ryan had been the most brilliant ever, and the cast party had been one of the best nights ever, in Troy's opinion at least.

_Follow me there_

_A beautiful some where_

Troy stared at the picture a little while longer, savoring the memory. Then as if snapping back to reality, he threw the picture in the box and slammed on the lid. He couldn't do this, not again.

It was his fault in the first place. He was the one that screwed up, not Ryan. His, he needed to remember that. It was he who had been so naive and foolish.

Getting up, he went to move the small box into the 'trash' pile. He didn't need to remember this, he couldn't. Moving away from his bed, he tripped over a stray basketball in his room, and spilled the contents of his little black box. Troy cursed a bit and threw the basketball away from him. Bending down to pick up the contents, the few pictures and random memorabilia. Seeing a small white book, he paused. Runnings his fingers across the raised words of the titled, he slowly sat down.

"The Catcher in the Rye," He mumbled to no one but himself.

_A place that I can share with you_

Tying the final knot on his running shoes, Troy called out to the general direction of the kitchen, "Bye mom, I'm going for a run!"

"Alright Sweetie, did you finish your homework?"

"Yes mom," Troy rolled his eyes a bit."

"Just be home in time for dinner."

Slamming the door behind him, he went off running. Really he had only told his mother a half truth. Sure he was running, there and back from the park. Really Troy had plans to meet Ryan there.

Sprinting as fast as he could, Troy made it there in record time. Spotting the other boy reading a book an a bench, he approached him, moving as quietly as possible to where Ryan was. Bending down, to eye level he raised an eyebrow questioningly, "The Catcher in the Rye?"

The blond looked up as if he saw Troy there all along, "What, it's a good book."

"If you say so."

"Have you even read it?"

"It was an option on my sophomore grade book report list, thats enough to turn me away forever."

"So basically you're judging it with out actually reading it?"

"Enough book talk," The taller boy snapped the book shut, ignoring the protests of him loosing the other boys spot, grabbing the other boys hands he pulled Ryan off the bench and gave him a quick kiss. Ryan pocketed the book and lead Troy into the wooded area of the park.

Finding their "spot," which was really just a tree bent into an arch, to make a natural bench. Troy sat and wrapped an arm around the blond's waist. Ryan rested his head on his shoulder and there they sat in companionable silence.

Looking up from his position on Troy's shoulder and into his half closed eyes, Ryan could resist but to lean in and close the distance between the two of them. Troy pressed his lips to Ryan's and all he heard was a content sigh escape the boy's lips. Shifting so he could face Ryan better, he carefully slid his tongue into the other boys mouth.

Ryan received it well, and looped his arms around the larger boys neck. Troy let out a small moan and pulled the other boy closer.

The movement caused the smaller boy to loose his balance, falling from their makeshift bench, he took Troy with him.

Both of them laughed, and stood brushing themselves off. "Well," Troy ran a hand through his hair, "I told my mom that I'd be back in time for dinner." He gave Ryan a boyish grin.

Ryan sighed, "Yeah, me too."

Troy looked at Ryan hopefully, "So, I'll see you later?"

The other boy pulled him in a tight embrace and kissed his cheek, "Of course."

The darker haired boy grinned like a maniac as he got ready to start running home.

"Oh, and Troy?" Ryan pulled the small book out of his side pocket, "I want you to have this, and actually read it?"

He took the paper back with a smile, "I promise."

_I can tell that you don't know me anymore_

_It's easy to forget, Sometimes we just forget_

Troy flipped through the pages of the book randomly. He'd never read it, and now there was really no point.

Ryan wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him. Except of course the occasional bitter interjection, when Troy had conversations with Kelsi or Sharpay. He had tried to stay friends, he really had.

Looking back, Troy still couldn't believe how foolish he had been. In a single instant, he had thrown away a long term relationship, a good healthy relationship, for a brief fling.

Closing his eyes, he remembered Tanner, the other boy. He hadn't been incredibly good looking, or dashingly charming. He'd just been incredibly sure of himself. Not cocky, but had this quiet air of sureness around him that Troy found amazing. And Troy had never met another gay basketball player before.

He remembered feeling this odd attraction to Tanner, a queasy disruption in the pit of his stomach. Ryan had never given him that feeling. And that was when he decided. Ryan was too safe, too convenient. He called the other boy to tell him exactly that.

Thinking about it now, it hadn't been worth it. Not even close.

Putting the book away, he bent down to pick up the pictures. Recognizing his handwriting he paused to read it, "Hey mom, having a great time in New York, miss you, been home soon-- Troy." Flipping the post card around, he stared at the city sky line.

_And being on this road is anything but sure_

_Maybe we'll forget, I hope we don't forget_

For spring break, Ryan decided to take Troy to his first Broadway Musical. In January the twins had received a car for their seventeenth birthday, a cute little silver thing. So with Ryan and Troy in the front and Sharpay and Kelsi securely in the back, they set off on their great expedition.

When they reached New York, New York, they found their hotel, a modest, but safe place in Manhattan and settled down for the night, after the long drive. Stepping out on the balcony Troy looked in awe at the sky, with the city lights silhouetted, was absolutely breath taking, there were no other words.

A pair of arms came around his waist, a chin on his shoulder and a voice from his ear, "Beautiful isn't it?"

He could only nod in response. Turning in the other boys arms, Troy kissed Ryan soundly on the lips. Resting his head on the other boys he asked, "Aren't you tired from the long drive?"

His chin tickled with the vibration of the answer, "I am, but staying awake right now, is worth it."

Pulling back a little Troy looked him in the eye, "Go get dressed for bed, I'll meet you there." A wink followed the statement. And the two boys hustled off.

_I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do_

Frowning, Troy looked into the box of happy memories, they were eating at him. All the good times just killing him. There had to be something else, no relationship was this perfect. Shuffling through the pictures and notes, he found it.

A piece of white paper, folded and warn. He carefully unfolded the familiar creases and laid the paper flat. All it was, was an email, printed out of his in-box with the simple words, "Miss you, love you- Ryan."

Troy looked up to the date, October 12th, this was the right one. He had carried this paper with him all month, until the time Ryan would come back to him. Until he knew Ryan was okay.

_Follow me there_

_A beautiful somewhere _

Early October, Troy's favorite time of year, it was just when the rain stopped, and everything looked perfect. Tory was a man on a mission, in a great hurry, he walked briskly towards the park. Upon arriving he noticed that Ryan had not arrived yet. Sitting on the bench, grinning and singing softly to himself, he must have looked like a fucking maniac.

Feeling a tap on his shoulder Troy whipped around. Seeing Ryan, his smile grew exponentailly, if that was possible, "Hey Ryan, so i was thinking today..."

He broke off noticing the blond's downcast gaze, and straight face. "Hey," grabbing the other boys hand, he bent down slightly to look Ryan in the eye, "whats wrong?"

Ryan sighed and finally looked Troy in the eye, "We need to talk."

Troy's heart jumped into his throat immediately, those words were never a good thig, deciding to play it cool, he just smiled and nodded encouragingly.

"I'm... going away, for... the rest of the month."

"Oh? Where? A vacation with the family? Are you guys going to Japan again?"

"No. Do you ever get the feeling that you need to release yourself, that the best thing for you to do is just to let go, even if it's just for a little while?"

"No." Troy didn't understand.

"Sometimes, I just get this feeling, that I just need to... go away, do you get what I'm talking about?"

"So you're taking a vacation to get away?"

"No, not a vacation."

"So you're not taking a vacation to-"

Ryan cut him off, "I want to kill myself."

Troy just stared, in response, lost of words.

"Sometimes... sometimes, I just want to kill myself. Not even to die, just like, I want to feel the mental of a gun barrel down my throat. Or I find myself staring at pills and trying to calculate how many I need to take for it to be fatal. Or if I bit off my tongue, how long would it take me to bleed to death. I don't know how. It's just, the way I think."

"Ryan, your scaring me."

He looked down again, "I scare myself."

"Where are you going then?"

Still no eye contact, "A place for 'troubled' teens."

Troy nodded, still at a loss for words, he just knew he had to be there for him.

"I-I understand, if-if you want to break up."

Troy placed a hand under Ryan's chin, "Ryan no. Thats completely not it. You're special to me Ry, you know that."

Ryan smiled for the first time that day.

"I'll write to you, okay, email every day, I promise. We'll get through this. You'll get through this, I'll help."

Leaning in Ryan hugged him as best he could.

Troy whispered quietly in his ear, "When do you leave?"

The reply really didn't matter, as long as they could spend time together.

_A place that I can share with you_

Ryan had come back different, for the better. More assertive and sure. He said sometimes his thoughts still haunted him. But, as long as he had Troy, he would be alright. That winter was probably some of his best memories. Troy went to school everyday excited by the prospect of spending time with Ryan.

Troy moved from the floor on to his bed. Laying down, he clutched the comforter. Man, he was an ass. He was trying to forget how much of a dick he'd been. But he wanted to remember too, so if he ever had the chance, he would never do it again. Never.

And most of all, he wanted to remember Ryan. And he'd been to silly and foolish to see it. Ryan was really a special person. With beautiful blue eyes, adorable crooked smile and amazing flexiblity.

_So many nights, legs tangled tight_

It was their first night. They were melted together on Ryan's bed. Undressed looking at each other in awe, exploring, feeling, touching. Just finding each other. That night, they reached new levels. With the first gentle push, they were thrust over the edge. And through the pain and the sweat it was glorious.

The realease came at the high point, quiet and pure. They both shuddered in delight and wondering. Glowing, Ryan stared at the other boy, and all Troy could do was return the gaze. Eyes half open, lazy smile on his face.

In the after math of it all Troy lay half on his blond counterpart watching him sleep with this wonderfully sweet expression. Settling down, he wrapped a protective arm around Ryan, and nuzzled into his neck, and sighed greatly. This, he thought, might just be love.

_Wrap me up in a dream with you_

_Close up these eyes, try not to cry_

_All that I've got to pull me through is memories of you_

Love.

Troy shifted positions on his bed, curling into a small ball. Reaching down, he found his bunny rabbit and clutched it tightly. Hoping wishing he could have at least changed that one thing. Out of all ofthis, it was probably his biggest regret.

Troy had never even said, "I love you." Funny how those three little words could change it all. Or at least Troy thought they could.

He regretted it almost shamefully, as parts of his bull shit speech, about only loving one person and saving it for the proper occasion. How it had filled his thoughts with pseudo-intellectual crap. How he had reused no matter how many times he heard it from Ryan, and how special it made him feel.

And the worst part, is that Ryan took it, all of it. When Troy told him it, he just accepted it as apart of Troy, and left it at that. Because that was Ryan, wonderful, simple and forgiving. It was one of his favorite things about Ryan, how he took everything in stride and hardly ever broke a sweat.

Troy remembered the first time, when he sighed and attempted to explain. He knew better now, that given the opportunity, he should just jump for it, because even if it wasn't true. It would hurt so much less later.

_Memories of you_

They sat across from each other, in the library. Troy studying hard for the finals, because he needed a 'B' average to stay on the basketball team. And Ryan, was being Ryan sitting and reading Seventeen Magazine.

Grinning over his periodical, Ryan ran a foot carefully up the other boys leg. Noticing the taller boy tense slightly, he ran his foot up slightly higher. "Ryan," Troy's voice was soft, but pleading, "I have to study."

Ryan pouted, "But Troy... I'm bored."

"So, go read the dictionary or something. Aren't there any good articles in there about hair care or something?" Troy indicated the forgotten Seventeen on the table.

"No this issue sucks, there's someone named 'Ashely Tisdale' on the cover." With that he got up and ran off to find something else to do.

A few short minutes later Ryan returned grinning like a mad cat from eary to ear. Plopping down on his chair he looked extremely pleased with himself, "I read the dictionary!."

"All of it?"

"No, just one part, I looked it up!"

Troy was getting exasperated, he really needed to pass this test, "Looked what up?"

"I looked it up in the dictionary, I love you!"

_Memories of you_

End of the year trip, that year was scheduled for six flags. Troy, being the fan of thrill rides that he was, attempted to dray Ryan on every single one. He had already passed on Batman, Raging Bull and the Giant drop. But troy was determined to get him on at least one roller coaster.

Ryan finally agreed to the American Eagle, no huge drops, no upside down time or corkscrews, it couldn't' hurt right? Besides, it was the classic roller coaster.

On the ascent, as the car climbed the long hill upward, Troy turned turned to see Ryan, knuckles white gripping the safety bar with all his might. Troy leaned over and kissed Ryan, anything to distract him from their slow climb. To his surprise Ryan responded eagerly as if he was trying to distract himself.

An hour later, when Ryan had gotten ove rthe shock of his first roller coaster, Troy asked him what he thought.

Ryan looked him square in the eye, "I love you, I really do. But never ever again."

_Memories of you_

Junior Prom.

In a sudden longing to be traditional, troy had asked Sharpay. Ryan, listed to troys reasoning and agreed with the other boy. He took Kelsi and the four of them went in a small group.

At the dance, if anyone found their arrangement strange, no one said anything. The music was decent, some punch was spiked, and it was the normal dance that every teenager hopes for and that most get. They did share the last dance of the night however.

Arms wrapped tightly around one another. So close they could have been one person. Talking to each other with only whispers in their ear. Troy really couldn't think of a more perfect way to spend the night of his prom.

Afterwards, the four headed out to the beach, Sharpay, refusing to ruin her dress, stayed far away from the water. The boys however rolled up their pants and let the ankle deep waves lap gently against them. Holding hands they walked a little deeper and farther away from the two girls. No works are exchanged, just the comfort of silence.

After they had gone a sufficient distance from Sharpay and Kelsi, they both came to a halt. Troy shifted a bit and reached for Ryan's other hand. Facing each other blue eyes stared into blue eyes. Ryan gave him a tentative smile, "I love you."

_I'm falling into memories of you, and things we used to do_

Troy stared into the eyes of his bunny rabbit. God, he was such an ass. All the good memories, even the bad ones, he didn't deserve them. He didn't deserve Ryan.

Horrible, he wasn't exactly sure now, but he was more sure than he ever had been. He was in love. Or maybe as close to it as he ever had been, and quite possibly had thrown it away so easily. Terrible thats what he was. He had never told Ryan, and now he probably never could.

But.

But, it couldn't hurt to try, could it?

_Follow me there_

_A beautiful somewhere_

_A place that we can share_

A trembling hand picked up the phone and dialed the now unfamiliar numbers. As it rang, he prayed that the right person would pick up.

There was a click, a semi-familiar voice came on, "Hello?"

"Ryan?" The words were practically choked out.

"Yes?"

"It's Troy."

Another click.

"I love you," It was so soft, barely noticeable.

But the only response he received was the steady beep of the dial tone. No one would ever notice it.

_Memories of you, and things we used to do. _

HSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSMHSM

So I've never asked this, and I will probably never again. But, this fic started out as a way to ease my pre-college jitters, and then it ended up that I put so much of me in it. That I ask you, please be nice. Seriously.


End file.
